So I recently had a mind blowing, life changing epiphany. Might seem obvious to some, but I had never really stopped to think about this, not in this way or this much depth. And I have a feeling this will resonate with more people than we may think, so I thought I'd share.
The realization was this -
I had spent the majority of my time as an adult and especially as a mother trying to be like everyone else. To build my life and myself according to some assumed outline. And by the end of my think sesh I realized that the reason I kept "failing" and having such a hard time finding peace and harmony in my life, and worse, my own mind... was because I was never meant to be like everyone else. And when you think about it, none of us are.
So many of us spend too much time looking around at what everyone else is doing because we feel like we need to follow along and fit in... So we try to change ourselves and our lives, make them match what we think "everyone else's" look like.
But we were never meant to do that. The beauty of being human is in our differences and our own unique selves. And extreme circumstances aside, we ARE living our lives and being the parents to our children in the exact way we should. We are on our own personal journey in life and when we are true to ourselves we are THE perfect parents for our children. Sounds... cliche? But its the truth.
When I take an honest look at myself as a person and a parent, I realize that a lot of my stress is because I am holding myself to standards that aren't my own. Standards that are actually not even real, they're just imaginary. And stressing myself out trying to force myself to be like "everyone else", handle like "everyone else", even at times trying to make my children be like "everyone else's" kids. And that stress has done a find job of making me feel like a failure of a mother and like some sort of defective human being. Like there's something wrong with me for being my own unique self. And I don't think I need to explain how fundamentally wrong & unhelpful that has been in being the best person and mother I can be.
When I make a list, and I'm sure many of you can relate, of what makes a good wife, a good mother, and a successful person, I write all these silly things that I know deep down are unrealistic for me, I sit there looking at it thinking 2 things. 1) How silly I am and the things on the list are, and 2) How I can never be all of those things. And it feels crappy... To feel like I'll never be able to reach such "basic" standards and be the "normal" mom my kids "deserve". Like I'm failing at adulting and parenting. Logically I know that's silly, and I usually just shut that shit down and go back to doing my best, but my subconscious mind is always focussing on this "problem" and how I can reach this unrealistic, silly, imaginary goal. Hell of course it does, I want to be the best mom I can be for my little ones, the only silly part is thinking I need to be like "everyone else" and meet these imaginary standards to do that.
Here recently I had a full blown nervous breakdown. I won't get into the details of what led that to happen to me, but I will share some things about it because its relevant. Its what truly opened my eyes to this issue. So when the nervous breakdown took hold, I felt broken. Like my mind had cracked, my foundation shattered, my very spirit broken. I feel like my whole world just fell apart, and I am still looking around at the wreckage trying to figure out how to put my life back together. I mean, with me falling for a few months, hard, everything is out of whack. My sleep schedule is asinine, the baby is up all night into the morning and I'm stuck up with him. My girls (8 and 3) are alone the majority of the day while I'm sleeping (when hubby is working), I was supposed to start our homeschool year a month ago, my girls' behavior is off because they're not getting their mom time in and they're not being supervised as well as they should be, I don't get 5 minutes to chat with my husband because I'm waking up right as he's going to sleep for work, my house is getting grubby and we are barely keeping up, it's mostly on my husband to clean because when I'm up with the baby at night he is bored because everyone else is sleeping and I'm all he's got for entertainment and human interaction so he's on me constantly and fussy, and I feel a bit isolated from my friends because my phone is broken. Plus there for a while I had an infected tooth that made it impossible to do anything but try to survive the pain and not lash out at the kids when they were being difficult. I've had a rough few months that's for sure. So you can imagine I feel like I'm "waking up" to a serious mess, and I am panicking about it. Not only is this just bad all around, but I have that added pressure of trying to live up to standards that aren't my own.
So I'm currently trying my best to put my life back together, to "fix it", and I'm overwhelmed and anxious and being hard on myself for not being able to handle it all better. I'm angry with myself for not recovering faster, and for allowing myself to fall in the first place. How selfish of me, to get knocked down by life, to cave under the pressure, and leave everyone to suffer for it., how weak and selfish. Not only do I have my husband's unrealistic expectations weighing on me (long story) but I have my own, and society's. Its too much pressure. That pressure is a big reason I fell in the first place. And in figuring out how to "get my shit together" I decided to take a look at all these fallen pieces, of my life and myself, and rebuild it all with the tools and materials I have on hand. And it got me to thinking about what kind of person and mother I want to be. Which led to this realization. I was frustrated realizing I am "missing" all these parts or had damaged versions of the parts that I "need" to build myself into the person I'm "supposed" to be. But in realizing how unrealistic it was for me personally, I realized that I didn't even want to be or need to fit into this cookie cutter mold... And not many people actually do, or find happiness in doing so. I realized that I am my own unique person on my own unique journey with my own unique family dynamic. I'm not meant to nor do I want to be like "everyone else".
And I'm tired of "slave driving" myself and beating myself up when I "fall short" of standards that aren't even my own. I'm tired of stressing and over-thinking and pushing my kids to be different and trying to force my life to be something it's not. Its seriously like hurling myself at a brick wall constantly, breaking and bruising myself, with no lasting results. Its maddening. But in realizing this, I'm done with that. So I won't ever be the soccer mom "type" or the pinterest mom. So I don't have a schedule that allows for me to wake up at 8am and give my kids a gormet home cooked meal while also getting enough sleep to function. So I'm not a trophy wife with porn-star level skills in the bedroom. So I'm not one of those baby-talking, endlessly patient, constantly hands-on moms. So I'm not the type of person who can sit in the waiting room while my daughter's take their dance lessons and fit in with the other moms sitting there with me. So what. So I have challenges because of an abusive childhood and messed up family life that "normal", "healthy" people don't, and that changes the way I look at and handle parenting. It feels hard sometimes, a lot actually, but this is just my reality, and I'm tired of fighting to not be who I really am and fighting against the hand I've been dealt. It's time I not only accept it, but also change my perspective so I can finally get myself on the right path, the one that leads to being happy and feeling at peace. The one that is uniquely mine to walk.
When I look at all these raw materials I have to work with, with clear eyes, I realize that it's not as bad as I allowed myself to think. And not only do I have some great materials and tools, but when I reject these unrealistic, imaginary rules and standards I used to try to follow, when I allow myself to let go of that silly mindset, I realize my future is mine to create, in whatever way I choose. I am freeing up mind space to focus on finding out what works for me and my family. I am going to take the time to find myself again, my true self, and re-prioritizing and re-imagining and re-building without using a pre-made outline. I won't turn out perfect, I may make a lot of mistakes along the way, but I feel like the only way to live a happy life is to just be authentically me and only worry about living up to my own standards. I think I could reach my potential so much more naturally if I just take the time to change my mindset and stop worrying all the time about what society thinks of my methods.
And I think the same is true for everyone else. If we all stopped looking to everyone else for approval and acceptance, and trying to fit in so we aren't judged and self judging, if we all just valued ourselves exactly as we are and learned to work with what we actually have available to us instead of wishing we had more or better, I think we as people, and parents, would be a lot less stressed out and we could more easily become the best, happiest versions of ourselves.
