"What is bad behaviour?"
This is what I found when I thought on it & self reflected.
1) Basically I was punishing because... that's what everyone else did. That has never been a legitimate excuse for anything in my head. Yet thats what I was doing.
2) There is really no "good" and "bad" behaviour. There was safe vs unsafe and then there was "socially acceptable" and "not socially acceptable." Oh and "annoying" vs "not annoying". < Which, sadly, accounted for most of it...
Then I realized, I don't need to forcefully teach her how to function in society. That's where she naturally observes & I need to just set the example.
Safety I obviously have to step in, but did I really have to do it as often as I did? And why did I have to be mean about it? The answer is I don't. Also, there were SO many things I could just back off of and let natural consequences take over!
As for annoying behaviour? Who the hell was I to punish (seek retribution from) someone for what I found annoying? I could politely ask. I could explain why it bothered me. I could model respect & courtesy.
Why was this relationship SO unbalanced? Why was I treating her like a nuance and like property? She wasn't a TV I could turn on and off! She's a person, a person I am supposed to have a healthy relationship with. When I really thought about it, I was acting like an abusive husband! Ex "Do as I say or I will hit/seclude/yell at you!" What the f*ck was that?
I highly suggest to every parent - spend some time on self reflection. Its an amazing tool. Think about each behaviour and WHY it bothers you. What do these behaviours trigger in you? Why are you punishing for them? Are they going to matter tomorrow? In a month? In a year? Is your response teaching the child? A good rule of thumb : If it won't matter tomorrow, in a week, or in a year... It doesn't matter at all. What is it teaching? (To obey or actually teaching a necessary lesson). Be 100% honest with yourself. Don't let yourself get away with excuses and validation. Are you modeling respect? Are you modeling the correct behaviours? Are you being respectful while you problem solve? Ect ect.
Instead of obsessing on how to change your childs behaviour and make them compliant - alter your own behaviour/mindset accordingly. Remember, it's a relationship. You want it to be a healthy one, full of mutual respect and love.
If you want your child to be respectful toward you, be respectful toward them and others. Show them.
If you want your child to be thoughtful and considerate, be a thoughtful and considerate person and be that way toward them. Show them.
If you want them to be kind and generous, be a kind and generous person. Show them.
Ect, ect. SHOW THEM.
Make every action/reaction a lesson. Don't punish, problem solve! And remember, you can't expect your children to learn what they aren't seeing in action.
"When you stop seeing parenting as a difficult task to survive and children a problem to be solved, and start seeing it as a journey you are taking together and the child a tiny person you are helping grow and learn... it all changes for the better."
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