One thing that popped in my head was that I find it interesting that American parents have this strange obsession with "teaching" their children "independence." I put quotations on that because, well, you can't really teach independence. So what are we really teaching them in this misguided attempt to teach something unteachable? And why do people not stop to think about it? Why is this automatic? Why is it written off as "Just what we do"?
From birth on, we obsess about this. Most of us try some sleep training method or another to "train" them to sleep through the night (and not need us during that time). We are told, "Don't let baby sleep in your bed, you don't want to start that bad habit!" What bad habit? Like really what is bad about meeting baby's needs at night too? How can it be a bad thing to teach our kiddos that they can rely on us and feel safe around us? But that's not how most people see it.
We "potty train" first chance we get, and if our kiddo doesn't learn to go on the pot when his peers with parents doing the same thing are, we worry and push harder. We're hard on ourselves about it too.
We wean from the breast by their first birthday, if not sooner, because it's "time". If we struggle with it, we think we're "too soft".
We shove them in school the minute they will take them. And before that we push everything from talking to counting to 20 to writing their name before that.
From birth on, it seems to be this giant race toward adulthood. Toward "independence".
But why? Why the rush? Why can't children developed at their own pace in peace? Why must we race the clock and slap labels on children who our fast paced, unrealistic methods don't work on? Why?
Do we really, honestly think our children won't ever sleep through the night? That they'll never leave our bed or breast? That they'll be pooping in diapers when they start college if we don't force them to do it now? Why are we so afraid of such silly ideas?
They grow up so fast as it is! Why does it matter if they sleep in your bed? So long as they are sleeping and feel safe? Why does it matter if they nurse until 4? Why does it matter if they don't learn to use the potty til they're 3 1/2? Does it really matter? Is being emotionally and physically available to them going to damage them? Is meeting their needs going to create unhealthy humans?
The truth of the matter is - Independence cannot be taught. It is a naturally occurring result of a babe growing from a child to an adult. Why not give them a solid foundation, built on trust, mutual respect, and unwavering, unconditional love? Why not let them branch out into the world when they are actually emotionally ready?
Children grow best when nurtured, not thrown out of the nest. When a child feels safe, they will explore. When a child feels loved, they feel confident. When a child feels seen, they feel accepted. When children feel connected, they feel cooperative. When children feel respected, they will respect others.
Why not base your relationship with your children, the most precious human beings on the planet to you, on connection? Is that really such a bad idea?
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