Where Have All The Women Gone?

I know I'm not saying anything new here, but I think it's good to keep this stuff in mind and it's something I hadn't really thought much into before now.

I was, and have been many times, sitting there frustrated with myself in motherhood. I was feeling like a failure, like I struggle too much (more than "normal", functional people, which is apparently everyone else when I'm in that mindset), like I wish I could just get a break sometimes, like I'm selfish or weak for needing one so badly, ect. My mind then went to the fact that I don't have women in my family to look to for guidance, for support, for help. Some people are a bit luckier in that department, some have it worse, but the point is, I, like many mothers out there, have no one to look to when I am unsure. No one to tell me I'm worrying too much or being too hard on myself or that everything will be ok when I'm feeling like a failure of a mother. Well, no one is a bit strong, but, a point that matters in this conversation, is that most people I have to turn to are more like peers, who are also, to varying degrees, "winging it" and unsure themselves. I am essentially alone in this, and have to be tough and figure it out myself.

And I'm not the only one. I am one of many, MANY mothers who feel this way. Or at least in some aspects of their life or moments in their journey, feel similarly.

I don't think people understand the importance of having female "elders" around to help out & show us the way. It seems like its not such a big deal, but from what I see, it actually affects us in a big way. I mean it really permeates the very fabric of motherhood, us as an entire society not having the support of "The Tribe". Sure, we are tough, we CAN handle it on our own and survive. Those particularly strong willed can even SLAY at motherhood without it. BUT we shouldn't have to and IMO it still, even in the best situations, negatively affects us, our partners, and our children.

Once upon a time we had mothers and sisters and aunts and grandmothers and cousins and friends and neighbors and midwives, all there willingly & naturally supporting & helping raise our babies. Helping us get through our pregnancies, sharing in our joy and fears, helping us birth our babies and establish nursing, showing us how to care for our brand new tiny humans, picking up the slack so we can heal and bond with our little loves, teaching us how to handle teething and sleep deprivation and fussiness. Once upon a time everywhere we looked we could find help, support, and understanding. There were knowing, empathetic ears, shoulders to cry on, hands to help carry the load and juggle the chaos that is raising kids to adulthood.

But now? Now mothers are expected to carry the world on our shoulders, alone, and keep our struggles, fears, and feelings to ourselves. If we sound anything less than ecstatic to be raising our children, we are judged. If we admit we can't handle it all on our own and, even worse, ask for help, we are judged. If we mess up because we are, essentially "over worked and under paid", we are judged. We are expected to handle it all ALONE and never let anyone see us cry and heaven forbid we make a mistake and people find out. This judgement trickles all the way down to birthing our babies. We hire strangers to rush us through birth and hinder the bonding process, and when we come home with our baby? The lucky among us still have family to help, though many go home alone and are left to flounder, but even in the best scenario, we are EXPECTED to be tough, to use as little of other people's time as possible, to get back on our feet, back to handling, back to work, back to "normal" ASAP and if we don't... We are not only judged... but can lose our jobs, which sadly in today's economy many of us NEED to survive. Then, for those who have to work, they have to hand off the responsibility & joy of raising their babies, just weeks after giving birth to a whole human, to strangers. We have to trust them with their safety and well-being, and hope they feel the love. And we pay an arm and a leg to do so, which makes it that much harder to provide a good life for our families. Then we also have to live with the guilt and sadness of not being able to just BE with our baby, wondering if we are traumatizing them, worrying about their safety in the hands of people we barely know, and scrambling to bond with them in the little time we have with them each day.

I'm probably skipping over TONS of other ways this society is neglecting mothers, but I think you probably get my point by now.

For me personally, it's a little more on the rough side. I have nothing really but peers, and a small handful of family I kept over the years bouncing from family to family (Mother's boyfriends' family) which helps, but only so much. And yeah, I'm one tough cookie because of it. There have been many character building moments, and I continue to reach new levels. I am proud to know what I am capable of and have been through so many things that have shown me exactly what I am made of. I am strong, resilient, patient, persistent, and fairly independent. And those are all good things that are, largely, a result of having to do it "alone". But there are so many times I WISH I could take a peek into a veteran mom's notes, or be reassured by someone who has been there. That I had more experienced women to turn to so I could have understanding companions, or someone to take over for a minute so I could just rest and recuperate. I wish I could go to my mother when I am weak or struggling or sad or scared, so she could comfort me and give me some guidance, share a little motherly wisdom ya know? I wish that ALL of my births I had been surrounded by women, mothers, who understood the process and what I need, who respected, supported, and loved me through it. I wish all women got that at every possible time (obviously high-risk/complications change things a bit.)

And sadly I bet that many women reading this right now are thinking, "Look at her feeling sorry for herself, this is just the way things are, she's (insert judgement here, ex : weak, selfish, needy) or she should just accept it and stop whining." There are a few who will simply relate but if we're being honest, most of us don't like attention being called to how much it really sucks to struggle through this, or even the fact that we women are HUMAN and need other people along the way. Sounds extreme but its the truth.

I have begun to wonder, why is it this way? Not that very long ago, it wasn't...The only conclusion I have come up with is that we are a country that WAY too highly values independence. Maybe I'm wrong but from where I sit, it seems like the obsession with American's being independent (aka "successful") has BROKEN "The Tribe" and screwed with the way "The Family" is supposed to function. And sure, we are adapting, but we are also struggling... And because we are struggling and hurting, and often don't even realize/understand why... we are taking it out on others by JUDGING so harshly. Don't get me wrong, I think our country is great in a lot of ways, but I think that sometimes we underestimate how badly things are going to affect us and I think we as a society need to take a moment to think a little deeper about these issues and maybe change our perspective, goals, and behavior just a little bit...

I don't have the slightest clue as to how to fix this brokenness, how to get back to how things should be, all I know is we were doing better overall when we had our families and our entire community to support us as we raise our children. Imagine if we had that, everywhere, for every mother. Imagine how much healthier physically, mentally, emotionally, and spiritually we would be. And imagine how that would positively impact our children. Hell even imagine how it would reduce stress in our marriages / relationships in general. I feel like there would be a much lower a divorce rate, less lost friendships, much happier moms and healthier kids... JUST IMAGINE!

We may not be able to turn back time, and who's to say that would even the right thing to do, but there are things we CAN do. We can stop being so hard on ourselves. We can actively support other mothers. We can stop judging others so harshly. We can take the time out of our day to support things that are increase our chances at being happy, healthy, and properly supported. We can be mindful and we can TRY. 

I would love to see our daughters have the support we are so sorely lacking. I don't want my little girls to feel alone and sit there feeling like failures when it is so much bigger than anything they are doing. I want them to feel understood and supported and loved. I want them to know that they are human and allowed to make mistakes and that its normal to not know it all. Or even have a single clue half the time. I want them to be able to turn to the women in their family and community for empathy and support and help. I feel like at this point maybe that's a pipe dream, just a mother hoping for a utopian world that simply isn't realistic to expect... But I so wish it, and I, from this day forward, am going to be one more woman fighting to fix this problem and actively supporting other moms out there. I already do, but I can do a whole lot more, and imo its more than worth putting extra effort into spreading the mama love. I hope that after reading what I had to say about it, and thinking about your own daughters' future, that you will join me. Lets change the world, one woman at a time.