Monkey See, Monkey Do

Children are what they see...

This statement couldn't be more true. People say it over and over and OVER, so you'd think this would be common knowledge by now...

But some of us have to learn the hard way.

The thing is, I knew this. Logically. But knowing something logically and actually knowing it are 2 VERY different things.

I used to be a mainstream parent on the most part. I think the only thing crunchy about me before was that I always coslept (instincts I guess). But I hit (spanked) and yelled and did what the doctor told me, ect ect.

And I didn't understand why my toddler hit and yelled. The full realization didn't hit me until a couple years ago... She was only doing what she saw done.

The last few years I have had to take a good, hard look at myself and everything I have been taught. I've had to face some harsh truths, like that I was being a BULLY! I've always DESPISED bullies! I've had to question and research and reflect and CHANGE. It hasn't been easy in the slightest, that's for sure, but it's SO WORTH IT!

Sometimes I want to curl up in a ball, because knowing, really knowing that every single move I make is being observed and absorbed is TERRIFYING! I make so many mistakes and there are parts of my personality I don't think I want rubbed off on my precious little angels.

It's scary and hard to be this self aware.

But it's not all bad. Being self aware leads me to becoming a better person and parent every day, and sometimes.. sometimes these little wildlings show me exactly what I am doing right! 

Watching my firstborn care for my youngest this last year and a half has been so eye opening! Gosh when she was just born I struggled really hard with depression, detachment, and Birth Trauma .. But my big girl helped keep me on track! So many times she would say to me, "You don't leave the baby to cry, you hold her and love her even if you don't want to." "When baby cries, you pick her up and give her some mommy milk." "You sleep with baby close so she can get to the boobie and she can feel safe at night." Ect.

When it was hard for me to act like a loving mom, my firstborn was right by my side showing me how. Even as I was emotionally pushing her away. 💔💓💓💓

And you know where she learned that from? Me.

My eyes are watering just thinking about how good of a person that little girl is and what a wonderful mommy she will be someday!

When she hugs her sister when she cries, telling her it'll be OK - I know I've done something right. When she meets her with empathy and gentle instruction - I know I've done something right. When she helps her problem solve lovingly instead of yelling - I know I've done something right.

Sometimes I wonder if my instruction has fallen on deaf ears and my "constant" mistakes make my attempts null and void... But moments like these let me know that couldn't be farther from the truth.

Once upon a time, guilt was my gasoline. It drove me to do better, it fueled my drive. But 3 years into this self improvement, respectful parenting thing and my new inspiration is this.

It's amazing how if you open your eyes and heart, your little ones can show you the way.