⚠WARNING⚠
This article contains graphic photos/nudity.
I promise this isn't a horror story - quite the opposite in fact!
I can tell you the technical stuff, but that's not what stands out to me.
I can't recall very many details when I try to sit and think about it, but the reason why is seriously amazing... Its because I felt so safe that I could fully let go and focus inward! I could be 100% vulnerable with 0 worries!
That. Is. Fucking. Amazing!!! VERY different from my 2 previous experiences!
This is what I can remember about my birth experience -
I hadn't slept right 2 nights in a row due to "pains" and a ton of pressure. About 7am the second morning I forced myself out of bed & made my way hunched over in pain to my private bathroom. I thought I was sick as I was on the toilet for over an hour...
I had been keeping my sister (Ashley) updated & remember sharing that lovely tid bit with her.
Around 10am I called my young cousin (Samara) who wanted to attend the birth and told her she may want to come over because things were picking up and it might be baby time.
When my eldest daughter (Zuri) woke up, I let her know baby would be coming soon so I needed her to listen to dad and be on her best behaviour. Thankfully once Samara arrived she had someone to play with. Daddy also baked a cake with the girls to keep them entertained, and besides, who doesn't love cake for breakfast!
By about 11am I realized the pain wasn't stopping but I still wasn't ready to "call it" as I had thought it was time so many times previously.
Around 1pm Ashley came over to see how I was doing and spend some time with me. We checked my cervix & finally noticed a significant change! We also used a contraction timer app to see if things were becoming consistent or not. The pains were enough for me to need to focus inward and move through them a bit. By the time she left I had given up on keeping track and decided to just go with it.
While she was away my partner (Tyler) chose to follow me around keeping an eye on me. At first it weirded me out for some reason, I guess I couldn't understand why he was randomly following me around. 😂 Looking back, I appreciate it and realize he was nervous because I wasn't calling everyone over and he didn't know what to do. ❤
I remember feeling frustrated and sad that I had to keep rejecting my toddler daughter (Alia) when she wanted to nurse. I simply couldn't and the poor kid didn't understand. Otherwise she did fine with everything. She was even adorably copying my reactions to the pain and empathetically asking, "Ow?" 😍
By about 5pm I woke my best friend (Adam) who is staying with us and told him I thought it was probably time. I had painfully wobbled my way down the hall and weakly knocked on his door because I just felt like I needed him. I'm glad I did because it was indeed time! I had him set up my "Homebirth in progress, do not disturb" sign.
Tyler asked if I wanted the tub filled and I agreed. I sat in there for a bit and let Alia play for a few minutes. I quickly realized the water wasn't helping the way I thought it would and I needed to get out.
Around 6 another planned birth guest (Monica) had messaged me asking if I wanted her to come over. I responded telling her she could if she wanted to. Ashley was also trying to get things squared away so she could get back here and be with me.
Ashley and Monica arrived shortly after and things were picking up. I was mostly focused inward trying to ride the waves and remind myself that the pain was not only ok, but good! I remember telling myself, "It's only pain, it's only pain, you're ok." when I started to feel upset by it and it did help me recenter and come back from it quicker. I repeated it like a mantra until the pain became "too much".
Once everyone arrived things picked up a LOT. This is where things really become a blur for me. I remember wandering and getting in the shower a few times. I remember getting angry when I sat on the toilet and the pain hit because it hurt so much more in that position. I cussed a good handful of the contractions with my skillfully colorful sailors mouth of course! At some point I ended up on my knees gripping my storage bench at the end of my bed. It was all I could do to just survive the pain.
At some point I lost the ability to talk myself through the pain or even be comforted. My cries turned from affirmations to declarations of my impending death and desperate pleas of "WHY??"
I was surrounded by the people closest to me, everyone doing what they could and just being there. The one person my eyes kept seeking though was Tyler. I remember crying out, "Baby! It hurts so much!" a few times and I didn't expect anything from him, just seeing him there made me feel like I was ok and everything was right in my world, even though I felt like I was being ripped in half.
What seemed like an eternity of pain later I remember crying out, "IT'S BURNING!" which was my way of communicating that he was crowning and suddenly there was a huge gush! I remember reaching down and then seeing there was a bit of blood on my hand and I had a moment of panic. I had a quick flash back to my last birth experience where I had experienced placental abruption shortly before delivering my baby...
I forced myself to swallow the terror that was rising and I asked the ladies, "How much was it?" And someone replied, "Not very much, it's just a trickle." I allowed myself to then push that thought aside and focus back on what was happening inside my body and mind.
As he was crowning I felt my body push a total of 3 times, and I remember telling Ashley that I couldn't push because my body does it for me. The truth is, I don't have control over that, which is fascinating when you stop to think about it. I also remember her suggesting I stand up and when I did a bit thats when he started coming out.
I panicked a little when it took more than one FER push to get his head out, thinking that he wouldn't come out. I think I may have even said, "He won't come out!" or "Why won't he come out!?"
As the overwhelming pain took over I reached my shaking hand down to feel and I could feel his head. Looking back I'm so glad I did because that was really cool even though I was in excruciating pain and terrified in the moment.
It then took another 2 pushes I believe for his shoulders to make their way out, and I remember feeling panicked about that for a second too. I was scared they were stuck!
Thankfully they were not. Ashley caught him and handed him under my legs to me. I held him and remember saying, "I need to rub his back." (to get the amniotic fluid out) but he was already pink and squalling! I then held him against my belly (his cord wasn't long enough to reach my chest) and just processed. I honestly didn't have an immediate emotional response other than relief.
Baby Liam, whom we all waited 41 weeks for, was finally born!
After getting as clean as I could manage, we made our way back to my bed where I decided we needed to cut the cord so I could hold him properly. The cord was white by then so I figured it had been long enough.
We then tried to get me laid down so I could nurse baby and relax and wait on the placenta... but I hurt too much. The pain kicked right back in and I wondered for a moment whether there was a surprise baby in there! The baby was handed to Monica while Ashley and I dealt with the placenta situation. After a bit we did attempt gentle pulling while I tried to push it out. I had tried squatting in the shower, sitting on the toilet and going pee, movement, ect. If it didn't hurt so damn much I wouldn't have worried about it but like I said, it was like childbirth all over again. After an hour of alternating attempts and just trying to get through it, that bad boy finally plopped out! Painful. As. Fuck.
Finally it was all over. I was helped into bed to relax, baby was handed to me, Alia climbed up to see mama, and Ashley was trying to help me latch baby Liam onto the breast. My amazing birth guests took the time to do some basic clean up, then everyone said their good-byes and left us to bond as a family.
What I remember first and foremost about my experience when I think about it - is how I felt. I was surrounded by loved ones and felt more safe, comfortable, respected, cared for, and LOVED than I ever have in my life. Being in my comfort zone, surrounded by nothing but trust, faith, support, and love during this time was AMAZING! It truly breaks my heart knowing that most women these days don't know that THIS is what birth is supposed to feel like. I seriously had THE best birth support team any woman could ask for and I'll never forget how they made me feel.
This birth was so very healing and beautiful and amazing. A truly unforgettable experience!
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