"You Can't Blame Me Anymore"

I want to take a moment to talk about crappy parents...

...And how it affects us into adulthood.

A little backstory - 

I was abused as a child. Physically, mentally, & emotionally. My "mother" has what's called Borderline Personality Disorder. We didn't know this (no diagnosis) until I was damn near grown. Around 17 I believe. There's a whole lot I could share about my experience as the child and chosen target of a BPD, but we'll leave that for a possible future post. As of now, I am only sharing to give perspective.

Back to the point.

I remember one day, contacting my abuser, as a mother myself... And explaining the reason I couldn't forgive in the moment. I explained how her crappy parenting wired me to be a crappy parent, I told her how hard I struggled just to be a decent parent to my daughters. I went into detail and poured my angry, sad little heart out.

And she responded by telling me that I couldn't blame her anymore. That I was responsible for my own actions and she had no blame what-so-ever. That I was just an angry, crappy person looking for someone to blame, anyone but myself. (Which generally isn't true, I'm a particularly self blaming individual)

I found it ironic how she would jump to claim credit for my good qualities. For my successes. Yet she couldn't give a simple apology for not just dropping the ball, but pummeling me in the head with it all my life.

She's not wrong. My actions ARE my own. I have a choice and I choose to do better. BUT my entire life leading up to adulthood, she taught me wrong, through her words and actions. Through her example.

See, everything we do as parents literally wires our children's brains. The way they experience life as a child, shapes the way they view and experience the world as an adult. And the way we handle life ourselves, shows them how to handle life.

A child who grows up in a safe and loving home, will grow up healthy & believing the world is safe and it's their norm to be loving. A child surrounded by adults with good emotion regulation and healthy relationships, learns how to do the same.

A child who grows up in fear, and see's angry responses to everything, will grow up in a constant state of stress and fear. They will grow to have trust issues, to handle stress badly, have self esteem issues, and see drama & hatefulness & bullying as the way to be. They will also struggle with relationships and connection. They will likely end up with mental health issues.

My default responses to life are those I was taught, directly and indirectly, and/or a self defense mechanism because of the depression & anxiety that resulted from my childhood. I constantly (CONSTANTLY) have to FIGHT to rewire that and while in the moment try to respond appropriately to my children (and any other relationship in my life, & even to myself...)

Yes, we do indeed hold blame, no matter how badly we feel about it, and no matter how much society tries to absolve us of it. It doesn't mean we have to go our whole lives letting guilt eat us alive or allow ourselves to be mistreated because of our mistakes, but it won't kill a single person to simply own up. To apologize. And it means the world to those of us who have been hurt and damaged.

For me, I don't expect my "mother" to spend her entire life paying for her mistakes (even though it was straight up abuse) and begging for my forgiveness. All I needed was a *genuine* acknowledgement and apology. A little damn validation. I won't ever get that, and I've accepted that fact. It sure would have helped me in my healing process though.

This story isn't just mine. And it isn't just abusive parents who need to own up. This story belongs to many of us. Too many. We ALL make mistakes, and it's time we step up and take responsibility.

We have the privilege of playing the biggest roles in these growing people's lives, the least we can do is take responsibility when we mess up.